inner dialog

(me-type-A):
-What is about me that holding me back?
(me-type-Loser) :
-I am afraid to race, my attention gets stuck in things I am afraid of.

(me-type-A) :
-But when you want to succeed in the highest level you don't have the luxury to lose your attention to things you fear.
- Place your attention solidity on the things you want to accomplish.
- Telling yourself you are a loser does not fortify you with the strength to achieve your goals

(me-type-Loser):
- where do you draw strength when you want to quit?

(me-type-A) :
 - Negative thoughts eat up the will power.
 - If you're looking for inspiration check the story of Matt Long  or learn about the stories
of Dave Scott or Mark Allen

- develop a strategy based on what the race wants from you
- make adjustments when you see how your strategy reacts to real world
- ask yourself what is holding you back from the success you're after
- commit to completion; have a commitment until you achieve the great results are inside you

Sad Rainy Afternoon

Nothing very important the last few days. Classes started again, PhD continues to freak
me out, my schedule is bad and my sleep even worse. The last few days we haven't seen the sun
something that adds some extra melancholy to my already depressed self.

Rain is also bad for the bike; it is really challenging to bike around the wet streets of College Park.
I am thinking how happy I was one year back, really optimistic about my second year in PhD, really
happy and sort of proud about Elise, with a good sleeping schedule waking up at 6.15 am and sleeping around 11.30 pm. The major thing was that I was happy and I was able to be optimistic. 

Under Siege

I am before a major deadline. I'm working so many hours and is so hard for me to keep my cool. I think I can't stand anything and that has as a result to behave rudely. I feel bad because today I have done it already a couple of times.

It is so clear that my problem is me and my work, and it so wrong to attack others for my own reasons. I feel bad, because I'm able to understand that am so wrong.

Anyway, Unknown Friend... I'm terribly sorry for my behavior,
please understand me

Two days Asleep

Am wearing my iron mask, having wires for brain and thinking about my source code.
Yeah I have drunk so much coffee once again... And my code right now could go in any
direction, any direction at all.

Always, under these circumstances my memories in the cupboard are getting up and walking
around the room; just to make the empty room slightly busier and more alive. I guess what
am trying to say is that am very tired but I have to continue working no matter how it goes;

This is the nature of our work, something always is going to crack, or always something will
remain incomplete. However, I guess all I have to do is just to keep my nerve and keep on
coding. All I have to do is keep on fighting.

Lost!

It's such a long process and the outcome is not clear. Also I constantly question myself what the hell am learning from this process. For sure am not the same person that I was 2 years before but I guess when It comes to PhD this shouldn't be enough.
To explain myself; no matter what I would had been doing those two years I would had been a different person from what I was two years ago that this thing started.

By pursuing a PhD I guess I was expecting that I will learn new things regarding my area? science in general? how to
be a scientist ? I don't know why but the things I have learned so far are very different. They mostly have to do with the social aspect of my life that is getting worse and worse. I have reached to a point that I hate myself so much for what I have become that out of spite I am treating really rudely to almost everyone around. Even if that is not visible to other people yet I feel that
I'm rusting inside, I feel that hate, misery, bad feelings guide my thoughts and my actions and all this kindness and pureness that I had younger is fading extremely fast. I understand that age comes with some feelings like that, but seeing my life from distance for a while seems that it's been all downhill since I arrived here. Fear, boredom, loneliness, sadness ... why am only 28 and I feel 98. People talk to me and I always focus on the negative things and try to find what is bad and why things won't work.
I over think and when people ask me why am doing this since it's not always necessary I am answering something like " am a PhD student I've been practicing thinking all day, am trying to find why things work and don't work every day; it is like a professional basketball player who plays basket really well, a phd student tends to think more because that's what you have to do everyday" ... But this is just a rhetorical bullshit just to avoid to admit how much fucked up I am


What I have been learning so far here, I think is totally irrelevant with any notion of science. I learn how to survive in a foreign country which is useful skill but more appropriate for a soldier not for a scholar. How to fight sadness... without great results, hot to fight loneliness without any results, how to be afraid to interact with people, to forget how you interact with normal people that they are not equally scared. How to burn out myself and my motivation by working in a ridiculously ugly room with no physical light and lights that remind me the lighting of factories in Germany around 1950's. I have been learning how to write and speak english which I guess is useful a thing, how to run, how to bike.. but where is the PhD? where is the science? and even if I have learned something, that is not very easy to define, is in between the fog of all these terrible emotions that makes so hard to enjoy this process.

It's hard for everybody it's not only for me. All the students I know they are basically either depressed, either they have a long term relationship and they try to hold themselves from there either they just take a jump in the abyss of the infinite sadness. I haven't really met happy people around me. The ones they are happy are not here. Being honest I have to admit that I am sad, and because misery loves company maybe is the case that am really clustered with people that are equally sad as me, but I hardly believe that this is the case...


I feel already lost in my own thoughts. I don't even know why I started this post. Ah, yes just because I realized that summer is almost over and two years now nothing significant has happened. That someone healthy can say that it might be a good incentive to start thinking positive and fight back.. but I feel empty.. I feel empty of strength ladies and gentlemen I feel stuck in the tardis... really trapped in depression. I watch myself dance like a puppet, I can almost see the strings. Am searching for an answer, a sign, but I've been climbing up this ladder for so long. It's so hard not to think that I'm wasting my time.
I can't find a way to escape and any solution seems so far away for fucking sake. I just let myself down

One of those days

yes, it is one of those days that you wake up and for some reason you know that everything will go wrong.
I had this feeling in the morning and sadly it was confirmed pretty soon. I got a flat tire on my way to school so I had to call a friend to give me a ride. The feeling of anxiety I had in the morning after that became stronger. Then I met with my advisor in a meeting that war really bad; after the meeting I was and still doubting about many things. Then I tried to fix my flat tire by patching the broken tube however even that it wasn't possible. The patch didn't work and the tube blew out by making a noise similar to the one that guns do. Luckily nobody got heard. I had some very clear and realistic goals for the day in terms of work but no I didn't feel like doing them. The only good part of the day is the reading of a good classic systems paper; however, I had the feeling that am just procrastinating since I read this paper just for a journal club we have at school. In other words I feel that am avoiding doing any work. Furthermore, today one big networking conference started and I saw the presentation of the paper I was working on last summer but because am stupid (but also because some people are bad) am not in the author list. However, deep inside I know that I don't have no one else to blame than me. Anyway, I haven't fixed my bike, I haven't done the work I wanted to do, I got even more mad to myself by watching live the presentation of the project, I feel stressed with the project and apparently I am very miserable and am complaining a LOT right now.

I decided to go home and do some cleaning stuff just for a change. Being a "housewife" sometimes help me to feel better about myself. Especially when I feel LAME.

this day is just an epic fail

All I have to do is Dream (Part 1)

dream dream dream dream dream...All I have to do is dream. So in this effort to keep track of my life I decided to blog about my dreams and try to give a reasonable explanation.

Last night I had a wonderful dream. The story goes like this. It is a football (soccer for you americans) match between my favorite team and another Greek team. My team is Panathinaikos, the other's team name is AEK. Anyway, usually the games between them are highly anticipated because they both usually have good teams.

During my dream, my team won 8-4. I know it doesn't sound like a football's game score but that was it. The initial score was 4-0 but at some point AEK managed to come back and do the score 4-4. However, my team managed to win by 4 goals at the end. During this I had a warmth feeling. Then I don't know why I found myself talking with the coach of the team about a bike ride. I was trying to give him guides about a big 88 miles ride in the mountains. At the end told him that he shouldn't worry if he can't do it with the first try because it is tough to ride for 88 miles anyway that has some good uphills. Again I had the most pleasant, calm feeling and a sense of warmth.

I know it is quite strange dream. I think the explanation about the team is the following. My team lately in Greece is in very bad condition, the most valuable players left, the owners don't give money for new good players to come and the supporters are not only worried for the upcoming year but for the future of the team itself in general. My explanation is that the team is me. I worry about the upcoming paper and lately I have many doubts about my decision to do a PhD. The importance of those things in my life according to the dream seems to be in doubt since they appeared in the form of my team that I really like and an important game; However, it is only a soccer team and it was only a game. Another explanation might be that I see the PhD as an athletic competition something that sounds very likely if I think my swimming background. The outcome of the game and the feelings that generated of course mean that I want all this effort not to be pointless and have a good result at the end.

The discussion about the bike ride with the coach of the team is equally interesting. This guy is a 65 years old man with a really friendly face but he seems very tired from the years. Right now I can associated with two people in my life. First my advisor, he seems old enough and very tired sometimes. He just bailed out from a great ride that he was doing and this fact made me feel a little bit sad since I really like the guy. I wonder If by giving him guides in the dream I was expressing my sympathy. The other person that I can associate the coach is my father. He is about that age, he seems very tired, he has a friendly face and of course I love him. The bike ride now has more obvious meaning and probably have to do with the last years of his life. The uphill part is probably that I am afraid that they will be difficult years. For me that I am not there for him, for him that he is getting older. He is my father and I love him, I think it makes sense to worry about him.

When I'm bored

I do the most stupid things.

1. I play playstation for hours. It's totally stupid that you decide to do something so pointless for so many hours. It is even more stupid when you know that what you're doing is stupid and you still doing it. The last observation applies at everything I will write below

2. I think of my ex-girlfriend. Yesterday, I was talking with a friend and I said to him at some point.
me: You know, lately I think a lot of my ex
friend: This is a good indication that you are extremely bored

All I have to say is that he is a good friend :)

3. I go to my lab doing nothing, or pretending that am trying to do something...when in reality I cannot because I am so burnt out.

4. I throw things around the house just to make my living situation as unbearable as possible. I wonder if subconsciously am trying to create incentives for me to clean this place

I thought this list will be longer but the fact that it's not makes me even sadder since It makes me repeat the activities with higher frequency when I am bored.

I promise to myself that I will write a list about things that I really enjoy

and who shall I say is calling? (2/2) The Email.

Hi Maria,

Thanks for your response, I will try to answer your questions but first I have to admit
that after reading your answer am very interested in learning more about your life and
your profession. Therefore, I will first start with my questions and my impressions from
your email and then I will try to answer yours as honestly as possible.

So from Australia, to London and now to Afghanistan it is such a long journey. I like traveling
myself that's why I chose my profession. Do you have any favorite destinations ? Can you describe
how different is the life in London and in Australia? How is your life in the
army? How is for a woman to work in a profession that the majority of the stuff is male ?
You said you're busy during the day I am curious if you can describe me a day of yours. In my country
army is obligatory for men, I served for almost two years in the navy. However, I don't know
anything about the military life especially when you have to live in a foreign country.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad, seems like you loved him a lot. Do you still miss him?
And the thing you said about your relationship was quite sad. But I guess in this life things like that
happen. I know it is quite unfortunate because nobody deserves such behavior but I guess the only thing
you can do is to move on and just keep a take away lesson from each experience. Keep thinking about the
past the most of the times doesn't solve anything and usually you end up depressed and miserable. I find
your move to go to the army quite drastic but in the same time really brave so I have to admit that I like
that.

I think email communication, despite that is kind of asynchronous, will give us the chance to get to know
each other better so yeah let's move on like that.

I joined the site quite recently, for the time am just browsing but I haven't really contacted anyone else
so far. So there, you're my first :) . What I seek in a woman... that's a tough one, because it keeps
changing as am getting older but some things are very important. First honesty, I think is a cornerstone
of every healthy relationship. Other than that, which is kind of obvious, is that I admire women that
are persistent but open minded. I don't want to be around people with insecurities because usually are very high
maintenance and this makes relationships unbalanced and ugly. I admire self-sufficient women that are
willing to love and be loved, accept and not afraid to be accepted for what they are. Regarding my plans,
right now I am about to leave tomorrow for one more trip; after that I will probably settle in for some time.
Honestly right now I am not entirely sure about what the future holds... let's see ? what about your future
plans? Regarding dating people from other countries the short answer is : of course. I think cultural diversity
can make things very interesting, given though that both the parties are willing to learn and adjust to
differences they might exist :) . I guess nowadays, the Internet is the ultimate communication medium therefore,
I see no harm to use it in order to communicate with people. Furthermore, if there was no Internet it would have
been really hard for two people from out countries to communicate so easily :). It's what the say
"don't kill the messenger"... the Internet is the messenger now so it's good. My age is 50.

Regarding, your picture... Maria you're very beautiful woman, and yes I liked it a lot :).
Hope to read from you soon

best,
G

and who shall I say is calling? (1/2)(responding)

The other title I was thinking instead of this Leonard Cohen's lyric was the
"Old man what the hell you gonna kill next? Old timer who you gonna kill next?"
anyway I chose the first; now let's explain myself.

My uncle is a 50 years old guy with two failed marriages on his back.
He works as an engineer in commercial ships; he travels a lot. He speaks english and spanish
but just enough to understand his colleagues and the flowers he meets in various ports.
(this is important for the story: I mean the language part). Lately he is very depressed, I guess
these two failures with the previous wives, the loneliness, and the lack of kids have
hit him hard. Now he tries to find company, someone to communicate on a dating site. I have to say
that this is not very common in my country and especially for someone in his age.

Here is how am getting involved in the story. Someone contacted him on this website; her name was Maria and
she works for the army. Maria (if she is real) seems very lonely but open to communicate and I guess that's
why she wrote him one big email, saying things about her life, her experiences, and asking questions.
She also sent a picture (that I didn't see). The problem was that my uncle didn't feel comfortable enough to
respond in English and he asked me to reply for him... And I mean to write the entire email by myself.
I don't have to say how awkwardly I felt when I heard this. But I then I thought that If I don't do it and
judge his request I would completely lose his trust so I wrote a mail response to Maria..

Since it's almost(?) science fiction I would post it also. In the email I speak like I am my uncle.. an engineer ..

lack of discipline

Two periods of my life so far I have really lost my mind, cool and discipline. Thankfully, both of these times the problem had to do with the loss of a girl so seeing these events from distance they were not as tragic as I was thinking at the time. The interesting part is not about the actual loss but some common reactions I had after it. My motto is that you should understand something in order to overcome it (if it is something that you have to overcome) , to conquer it (if you have to conquer it) and so on. Anyway, these times of retrospection, introspection and consistent questioning are extremely painful and most importantly stressful. During these times I have caught myself getting involved in imaginary silent conversations with the persons of interest mostly expressing my point of view and my questions. These conversations in some sense are like the rubber-duck technique when you trying to fix your programs.
That's what I thought about this questioning progress. However, recently I bumped into a song from the King Crimson that offered me a new perspective to the whole introspection process. I will write some of the lyrics here and then I will try to explain them under my perspective.

it took hours and hours but...
By the time I was done with it
I was so involved
I didn't know what to think
I carried it around with me for days and days
...
...
...
I repeat myself when under stress
I repeat myself when under stress
I repeat myself when under stress
I repeat myself when under stress
I repeat...
The more I look at it

The more I like it
I do think it's good
The fact is..

No matter how closely I study it
No matter how I take it apart
No matter how I break it down
It remains consistent
I wish you were here to see it

I won't deny the healing effects of the process because of the song. I do believe that this technique helps. However, I guess this process does not happen only for the shake of healing. It seems that is a way to express all the remaining affection that still exists. To keep the beloved person closely for a while; just a little more in order not to cross the passage from pain and loss to sanity alone. I do know that am describing a technique (and its motives) that it might be counter to reason; it's not an act of sanity to question/or express affection to the void after all. I guess these times characterized from the lack of discipline; reason is  denotes discipline. I guess that's why the title of the song is Indiscipline

Game of Thrones

This is the TV show I am watching these days. It is quite entertaining and keeps you engaged for the whole 1 hour that each episode lasts. I am not the most experienced tv-show viewer but actors seem good, the production is very rich and the director has done quite decent job since each episode has a good pace without becoming tiring.

Here, I have to admit that I haven't read the books and probably I will never read them in the future. As a person that one day wants to become a writer am thinking why someone selects a subject like that to write. In other words what someone expresses by writing something like that? For god's shake I am not an elitist and am not trying to pretend I am but I am trying to understand the rational behind this choice. Furthermore, why the author selects to write 7 books on this particular subject. I have already expressed my opinion for the show but in my mind a simple tv-scenario (or movie scenario) would had been more than enough. Ok now that I express my questions let me explain myself:

The writing of the book should have a purpose, a higher goal, that is much higher than just entertain the reader; especially in the form that Game of Thrones does. Moreover, I wonder why someone writes a book on that subject when the history of the world is full of such stories. You don't have to think and create something from scratch but just open a history book. I can bring into my mind a vast number of emperors that had the same or even worse ending than King Robert in the show. The Roman history, the Byzantine history, the history of the Western world initially with the long feuds between the families of the big landholders and then the emerged emperors of western civilization. In all the previous cases conspiracy, assassinations and all the good stuff was something very common.

The point I want to make in this post is: Why we get all excited about this show (me including)? We know that in environments such as the one in the "Game of Thrones" crazy things happen; so no surprise. We also now that great power comes with slother; so again no surprise. We know that people in order to hold or conquer something that brings them or it will bring them great power, such as a throne in show's case, are cruel and take extreme actions; again nothing new. Then the other question is why someone writes 4,5,6,7 books about something like that? is not original, is not new, does not teach something after all and by writing so many books you most probably repeat yourself. Although, here comes the surprise: something that common has such a great success. I wonder if this is the real lesson I have to keep or if this is another good reason to get really depressed.

( To be fair, games of thrones is just an example. Twilight, Harry Potter in my mind are similar cases and could also work as demo-fields in order to express my questions)

A Happy Biker The life without a car

When I first arrived in US, I had a very traumatic experience while I was trying to find an apartment to stay. I was used to much smaller distances, the ones we have in Greece, and it was quite a shocking experience the fact that I had to walk so much. Thinking that period now, I guess I was too stressed since I wasn't speaking the language so well and this constant feeling of insecurity was always there and was distorting things. In the end I managed to find an apartment but my conclusion was that without a car I might die in US. I guess I can be such a drama queen sometimes.

I bought a nice new car and I still have it. It is a nice Honda Fit quite small for the US standarts but I was and still am very happy to drive it.

The purpose of this post however, is not to talk about my car, or the awful experience of apartment hunting but to write down my experiences from my first week of bike commuting to school. Of course the point is the future me to see how much I changed the last two years and from "without a car I will die" to commuting by biking to work. Therefore, this is just a checkpoint-post.

My commute is pretty brief; it is around 3 miles. The route from house to university is easier since the road is slightly downhill. When commuting from home to school I develop an average speed of 19mph and the time I spend to cover this distance is around 9.5 minutes. On the way back from school usually am kind of tired from work so my average speed is lower, around 15mph, and I cover the distance in around 12 minutes. Some things I have already noticed this first week of biking is that MD drivers don't like bikers that much and can be aggressive sometimes when they are passing next to you. A second note is that MD is not Switzerland therefore, there are no dedicated lanes for bikers in the most streets. The quality of the asfalt is not great but is not terrible either; however, I fear that the area around the university will cause many flat tire situations in the future.

My bike is the white Bianchi Vigorelli that I have posted here. It has a frame made of steel and a carbon fork, it wears the 2011 Shimano 105 and probably its name will be Charlie or Maverick. My helmet is the red-black helmet of the picture. Interesting fact the name (given from the company, Giro) of the helmet is Ionos and probably comes from the greek word "ιονός" which means sign but with a twist of mysticism.

He's haunted by the memory of a lost paradise

In his youth or a dream, he can't be precise.

This is a post about the sorrow that a single picture can cause. A faded picture, on a computer screen brings on the surface memories that were considered well buried in the darkest abyss of his soul. He said he was free from her spell but a single picture was enough to understand the value of his statement. He well understood that he's chained forever to a world that departed; for world that he wasn't enough.

He convinced himself that time passes and the river rolls. He built his castle on the notion of untouchable man with a huge ego; he valued himself really high and kept him far away from the rest of the mortals. He has done it in the past, he has seen some of his literature heroes doing it. He wanted to keep his life in control but his effort it's not enough. He is talking to the river of the lost love and dedication about the girl. His blood has frozen, his knees have trembled and given way in the moment; his heart has weakened at the moment of truth. He is talking to the river of lost love and dedication about the girl and he silently replies sorrow's invitation. There're a tear in his eyes, that blinds his sight. There's a song on the background but the silence speaks so much louder than music and words for promises broken.

Initium est salutis notitia peccati

Coming back from Greece I'm rather disappointed than anything else. Sure the weather is nice and the country is still beautiful. However, this economic collapse has affected everybody. People are unhappy and they don't feel safe anymore; many of them go to the central square of Athens to protest and communicate their fears with fellow citizens.

I had the chance to talk extensively with one of them. This girl is called Ioli, which is such a beautiful name, she was a journalist, 25 years old, quite educated in the social sense and to my opinion an active citizen. Ioli, this 25 years old girl is 7 or 8 months without a job. Right now she is at a point in her life that she is not able to pay her rent and she decided to work as waitress in order to survive. I consider it quite depressing that young people have to do something totally different from what they studied just to be able to survive.

Ioli is very angry. Ioli is depressed. Ioli shouts at the central square. Everything seems burned around her and all her generation in complete despair.

In these kind of situations that someone hits rock bottom there is always some sort of optimism that its source is the fact that its situation cannot become any worse. Hope is a very strong drive for everyone and I totally respect its power. However, I wonder if that is the case for the young Ioli and its generation. My pessimism comes from the fact that Ioli was blaming the older generations or the politicians for the problems that she is now facing. But wait a minute who are these people? Are they any foreigners that have invaded the country and have done everything to cause harm ? No, we are the same people, we share the same culture, more or less the same believes and blaming each other can't do any good to the current situation.

I think the major problem of modern Greece has to do with responsibility and who will take the blame. It's kind of absurd that this country that has this great past which full of very risky decisions now is full of people that they want to defer anything for later, and what preserves their sanity is having someone else to blame for their own shortcomings. I think that's the point we are mistaken; we have failed to recognize the problem. We are the problem; and I know this is the hardest thing to get and accept but only when we manage to accept that truth will find a way to swim towards the surface again. We are responsible, we created this situation, we need to take action, to get educated, not to steal ourselves or our children; it's dead hard but it's so true.

The knowledge of sin is the beginning of salvation after all

this time of the year: Overview

So this is the time of the year; a circle ends and another is about to begin. Classes are over and the whole academic year just came to an end. This time tomorrow I will be flying to happiness or in other words I will be flying back to my country. I will meet my family, my friends, my ex-girlfriends, my ex-ex girlfriends and whoever wants to see me. I feel quite excited because I think I deserve this trip. I believe that it's a good time to write about this year. This time I will do it publicly for the purpose of this blog (see the title).

Hm, let's start; my plan is to cover so from the summer of 2010 to the current one. The last year review as I can see in my notes ended to the time that I was leaving for Spain. OK I guess that's a good point to start. In this first post, I will just cover the highlights of the year; however, I will write down my thoughts about individual important events in following posts.

Spain: I was the first three months of the last summer; it wasn't a very fruitfull experience. I was working on this big European ISP trying to do some research. The collaboration with the people there wasn't easy neither exciting. I didn't like I was there in the first place because I wanted to spend the summer in MD with my back-then dream-girl. As you can see there was a love story running in the background. I remember how miserable I was during my time in Spain. I was waiting the time to pass and return back and meet her. The project I did there it was ridiculous, it didn't seem to have strong motivation and the people here wanted to apply patches just to make it look better. The idea wasn't bad but it really wasn't something that was working. I am writing all these because I had the feeling that it was a really bad project; however, after some months it got accepted in a really big networking conference without my name in the author list but more about that later.

After the end of the summer the academic year started with high hopes and tones of excitment about a new beginning and a fresh start; it was like the summer of 2009 but this time I knew the ropes and I had a girlfriend. However, this strong feeling of optimism didn't really lead somewhere. After three months, I had no girlfriend, I was with new advisor and for the first time I felt that I'm close to depression. How I reached from the high excitment to the rock bottom point(of this year) It is something that will write in a later post. As sneak preview I can write that research is hard, life in school is harder, and dealing with those two and your life is sometimes very tricky.

All that you !(can't) leave behind

My roommate just gave me back the keys of the apartment and left. That was his last day in our apartment. This is probably is one of my last days here also. As soon as he closed the door behind him I thought of this U2 song. I can't recall the song exactly but I think is about love as many of their songs. I think it crossed my mind because of the complementary title and that made me sad. The complementary title would have been "All that you can leave behind" thus the negation goes only on "can".

The purpose of this post is just to capture the feeling of this moment. After two years being roommate of this fellow makes me really sad that we are not friends, that he knows me as a geeky,nerdy,crazy asshole PhD student, and I know him as a lame selfish person with a good heart deep inside. The thought that all the things I can remember from him belong to the ones that I can leave behind makes me sad. They were two years of my life after all. It is sad that I won't call him and he won't call me again despite that we didn't have an argument but this is how it's going to happen

I know that I'm being sentimental right now just because of the moment and probably tomorrow or few hours later my cynical/survival-enabled self will appear again but... what the heck for the shake of these two years, for all the things that I may can leave behind...Farewell Panos, all the best !!

Recordings For Someone (Not for Me, Not for Anyone I Know)

Some time ago the producers of the radio show "This American Life" had a neat idea. Ira Glass and his crew presented four stories of people that they had recorded a message for someone they loved. These messages are meant to be private and therefore not for public. However, in the era of Twitter, Facebook nothing is private enough to remain hidden from public forever.

The show as usual was divided in acts. This specific one had four. The first is about a son and his mother, the second about a guy that can't even speak, the third about a soldier in Iraq and final one about two long distance lovers. This is an attempt to write down what I really remember from this show, I actually heard it before 11 or more months and it was my first "This American Life" podcast.

Ok, the setting for the first story. New York 1995 around the time that the spring finals are approaching. The son, a Columbia undergraduate, was seeking everywhere for a book. He couldn't find it in his dorm so he thought to ask his mother if the book is in her place. The mother searched thoroughly but she didn't find it either. She called him to inform him about the missing book but he wasn't there. The son -let's call him Bobby for now- wasn't reading at home but instead was hanging out with a new girl he met. Bobby was a sensitive guy and one of his favorite movies was "The little mermaid" thus his greeting in his voicemail was inspired from the movie. The mother called several times. She was feeling stressed because Bobby won't be able to study for the exams. She was anxious because Bobby wasn't in his dorm studying but for the whole night. Every time she was calling the only thing she could listen was the "little mermaid"-inspired message. Mother got upset, she called for one final time. The result was the same but this time she decided to leave a message which was..

"F@ck you and your little mermaid". When Bobby came back sent this message to Neil, another fellow undergraduate. Neil couldn't resist he sent the message to someone else and then by a huge gossip-chain reaction in one night the whole university knew about the little-mermaid message.

That's one of the four stories. Now doesn't sound like a funny story. However, if you think the conditions under which the mother left this message to Bobby you might laugh. Stupid story, I remember though that I was laughing the first time I heard it.

I don't have to say much about the second story. It is a guy that cannot speak, you can barely understand him and it's about messages that this guy records for his local pizza place in order not to delay to give his order. I don't really remember anything else but the guy was in the terrible need of a specialist.

The third story was quite interesting actually. A GI was recording messages for his spouse while he was at the first Golf war. As he stated his incentive was his beloved persons to know how he died. In the beginning I thought that he would talk to his wife through the recording messages but it seems that it was too hard for him to do that while he was trying to remain alive. Therefore, the majority of these messages were recordings from battles rather than recordings for someone; quite intense. The important part of the story is in one of these recordings. Some Iraqis had let themselves

in and they didn't have guns. However, soldiers didn't communicate very well with each other and accidentally they killed them. The good thing for the star of this story was that he had rationalized the event of killing unarmed people and he could move on with his life. Moreover, he referred to some of his colleagues that believed that had killed people that they shouldn't had killed and they were feeling so much guilt that the post traumatic stress was so intense that they still don't have regular lives. There is not right and wrong. War is wrong anyway. Killing people is wrong. Crucifying people is wrong. Rationalize things to continue our life it's an indication of a clever person that wanted to survive. I won't say anything about this strategy. However, it needs special attention how you use "rationalization" because it seems that sometimes you can find excuses even for killing. Oops!

The forth story was kind of sweet. A guy went to Italy and stayed for a week. There he met one girl. They had a marvelous week. The guy came back to New York and he started recording messages and sent them to her. He was recording his thoughts, his hopes, his passion about her despite they knew each other only for a week. It seems that after the killing the producer needed a successful romantic story because the distance between US and Italy worked out well for this couple. Now after three years they are still together and they have a little girl. The story is interesting but very badly placed. I will elaborate on both of my thoughts.
It was badly placed because after the rationalization of killing we needed (the audience) some surrealistic romance. I wonder why we needed the romance? In order to understand what? That people are so cynical that can rationalize death of people that they shouldn't had died but are not able to do that for a crazy love? That's who are we? Ok Ok, I know it wasn't the same guy that did both but I bet that the guy from the War story should have been irrational for smaller reasons in his life. Anyway, I don't want to judge him more because at least he did something clever and he managed to escape from his personal hell.

It is was an interesting story because the most of us have experienced a surrealistic love like the one in the fourth story. When it happens we don't actually know if it is something real since we didn't have enough time to figure out that. Someone would think that when you introduce the factor of distance in the aforementioned setting rationalization will kick in pretty quickly. However, I doubt that this is the truth. Seems that distance acts as a buffer to introduce more of ourselves, more of our feelings, to something that it might even not be there. Many artists have captured this irrational feeling that is created from love, distance (of any kind). Hemingway captured the most perfect one I think in his "for whom the bell tolls" despite that in this case the distance was actually infinite between Maria and Robert Jordan.

Back to the story.. these two were lucky and strong enough and they are together. However, I do believe that they are the exception and probably that's why they have a wonderful story.